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divorce, Free Write, Life Changes, moving on, Personal Blog, Poly heartbreak, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

Divorce as a Movie

Divorce wouldn’t be so bad if it just felt like getting to the end of a movie you really enjoyed. Even if you are bummed the movie is over, you have the positive memories and the ways it made you feel and you can share the stories and learn from the characters and talk about it with other people and feel connected.

Instead, for me at least, divorce feels more like a movie I was working on (for ten years) that never got off the ground. Or maybe it did, but it was definitely not the movie I set out to create. Were there some really good scenes? Of course. But overall it didn’t manage to come together in a way that worked – it just left me wishing I could go back and try to create something better. Now I find myself disappointed (and heartbroken) that I invested in that particular project and put so much time and effort and heart into something that I can’t look at with pride and that I don’t think represents (or brought out) the best of who I am.

Anyway, I do not recommend, and would give divorce a very shitty score on Rotten Tomatoes.

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Free Write from Love’s Travel Stop

Wet with sweat. Love’s Travel Stop says it’s 101 degrees in Lost Hills, California.

I’ve been through the desert, the dunes, up and down mountains. Cascades, Rockies, Sierra Nevadas.

I expected the ocean to bring relief. I had been dreaming of its salty cool breeze between my thighs.

Instead I found sand. Tiny pieces of glass and shell whipped against my body again and again.

No aftercare provided. Thighs hot and raw and scratched.

And still, four more hours of driving.

β€œTime After Time” by Cyndi Lauper came on the radio and my heart became a crater.

I felt the dread of sinking but I managed to balance on the rim.

Today marks the first time this year I have heard that song and did not cry.

I listened to the end, windows unrolled, heat on every inch of my skin.

One hour down, three to go, temperatures slowly dropping with the pink setting sun. Β 

My crater heart fills with water, my source of life. My source of near death.

I hold still. No crashing waves. I breathe.

I push the accelerator.

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